Unfolded

The day I found out I have mitral valve prolapse, I felt happy. I felt relieved. Because after years of hopping to different -ologists, I finally have an official medical diagnosis. MVP is not a serious heart problem based on what I have read and yes, based on the three cardiologists I consulted. But the effects on the autonomic nervous system are quite bothersome. There are panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, to which I never had problems dealing wih. However, fatigue, shortness of breath, frequent migraine, and palpitations are my usual signs and symptoms that I live with everyday. But there's a lot more to these.

There's this online support group for MVP patients where I found myself in tears when I read their stories. Actually, I was laughing at the same time because their stories are almost exactly mine. The unfolded mystery of my personality ever since I was a child left me speechless (and almost breathless). I grew up worrying a lot about my health. Like most patients with MVP, I am a self-confessed hypochondriac. My family knows how I overreact to simple illness. One time, feeling feverish and nauseous, I told my dad to take me to the hospital because I knew something's wrong with my system. He refused to listen and said it was all in my head. Hours later, I almost passed out. Next thing I knew, mom was packing my things. We went to the hospital and I was admitted. Diagnosis? Dengue fever. You could imagine me staring at my dad with an "I-told-you-so" look. I could go on for hours and tell you all my journey in the hospital, but to sum it up, I've been to more than 30 physicians for the past 5 years with different complaints. More than half of the tests were negative. But instead of feeling relieved, I'd go home feeling disappointed and tell myself that those doctors are either incompetent or were lucky to have me check by the time I got well already. Although I am aware of my being hypochondriac, I still refuse to believe that I'm perfectly healthy.

Prior to the diagnosis of my MVP, I sought a neurologist regarding my frequent memory loss. MRI was done and it was normal. He said I should undergo therapy with a nueropsychiatrist to prevent the development of dementia. But my therapy was interrupted by yet another test. An ECG was performed as part of my medical exam and it revealed some abnormalities so another test, 2D echocardiogram, was done which confirmed the presence of a mitral valve prolapse. A condition wherein one of the two mitral valve does not close properly as my heart pumps out blood to my body causing a backflow and/or inadequate blood circulation to other parts of my body.

Aside from the signs and symptoms mentioned above, it affects the function of autonomic nervous system. Reason why I'm a chocoholic and sweet addict. Reason why I'm perfectionist / O.C person. Reason why I have a lot of phobia. Reason why I only play mind game. Reason why I have a bit of trouble expressing negative emotions. Reason why I think I have an asthma or something because of my shortness of breath. Reason why I have a very bad memory. Reason why I always feel like I'm having a heart attack. Reason why I easily get tired, even by just merely lying down. Reason why I always feel like fainting. Reason why I always have a feeling of apprehension as if something strange might just happen. Reason why I think of death too much. Reason why I'm hypochondriac. Reason of all my unanswerable why's! Yes, these are all part of MVP syndrome based on my overly extensive and obsessive research. And I wish I knew all these long time ago. I felt vindicated knowing that there's a reason behind my seemingly-pointless-and-it's-all-in-the-mind illnesses and personality.

So to all with MVPS, cheers to a one-of -a kind and exciting fluttery life!

Amnesia Girl

Okay. I'm so frustrated now because I feel like I'm suffering from amnesia. I happened to see a very good friend last Sunday. She's so dear to me because we've been friends for more than a year and we always hang out together almost every month then. We recently stopped hanging out only because I've been busy with my job. But we often see each other almost every week at church. And then, there came my frustration... I saw her and wanted to call her, but... I DON'T REMEMBER HER NAME!!! *facepalm*

It felt as though my access to my long-term memory is seriously impaired! Why can't I remember names? Faces? Events? (see my previous post)

The thing is, I only have very few childhood memories. Really few and mostly were from a second-hand information. Meaning, either my family had told me those stories before, or I've seen old photos of my childhood life and formulated my own stories. That's awful. I like to believe that I had a playful and wonderful childhood life. I want to keep and treasure every single relationships. I want to remember every bits that happened in my life. But my memory is no help in convincing me. Ugghhh.

Seriously, I want to consult a psychiatrist. Help?

MY SOUL DREAMS

This could be one of my most exciting blog entry. Did this few months back... I wrote down on a notebook 12 of my biggest dreams for 12 days. It's not that I limit them to just 12, I actually have hundreds to thousands, but I am very firm with these 12 that I intend to make them happen. They are not mere wishes. They are part of my soul, they are part of my plans. . . my life.

(These are not in particular order of importance.)

1. HOME

My favorite pastime? Imagining my dream house. In my mind, I have already conceptualized the design, both exterior and interior. Sometimes, I want it to be big and spacious. On second thought, I'll be grateful to have a tiny yet beautiful house. Robert Kayosaki, author of Rich Dad Poor Dad (a great book by the way), mentioned in his book that the common big mistakes of most people is believing that their house is their big asset. Because it is not, it's actually a big liability. Well... It's true that as people's wealth grows, their wants also change... Bigger, and for them, better.

So anyway, I plan to move in my dream house when my youngest child turns 7. So maybe that's 10-15 years after my wedding. Why? Because, (1) the house that I imagine to own is not designed for kids, (2) I want to know the number and the sharing of rooms, and (3) I want my kids to choose the design of their rooms.

The design of our home is a combination of tropical and modern eclectic style. The structure is made up of bricks and tiles, with wooden frames and furniture. You know, the type of beach rest house that we usually see. And that's exactly what I want, a vacation house. My family doesn't have to be away just to have a vacation. We can stay at home and make everyday a vacation, a 'staycation'. 

I want the kitchen, the dining, and the living area be built outdoor. I'm in love with outdoor setting. It's more relaxing and intimate, and most often, it is where fun and good memories take place (I'll be having an outdoor wedding, by the way).

I couldn't put into words what I have built in my mind, so here, to help me with, I found these photos from houzz.com.

Living room.

Our bedroom.

Our restroom. 

It has to be like those I see from resorts and spas. Elegant. Classic. Told you, I'm a lover of the outdoors, and shower room is no exception.
 

Kids'. 

Like I've said, I'm not sure of the number of rooms yet and if it's a single or double room.

Media room. 

NO television set on all bedrooms. I want our bedroom to be just our bedroom. I don't want any of us to lock up ourselves in our rooms and watch our favorite TV program there. So here, we have our entertainment room where we all watch together.

Dining

This is definitely outdoors. This is also where we conduct our life group weekly.

Okay enough of that. I still have a lot of concepts to work on. I'm excited. This home is one of the many things that drive me to be the best. By the way, this home is built near our church.

2. VAN

Yup. A big van. For many long years, this was originally imagined to be a 4x4 truck. A red one to be specific. There was this movie when I was in highschool, uhm, of course I forgot the title, where the leading man drives that cool 4x4 truck. I imagined myself driving that truck. Whew! But this is not a soul dream. My motive was not right, I want it simply because it looks cool on me. But can my friends, I mean all my friends get to ride in that small seating capacity?

So there I have it. A van. Maybe a mini coaster? Where all my friends, life group, and all those I want to bring to church could take a ride. I so want that! Of course, the color has to change as well. Red just wont look good in a big van. White is better, I think. I could have the interior be customized as well, so it will be convenient for long trips.

I pray that I'll receive this very soon.

3. GROWING INVESTMENT

Recently, I developed an interest towards money. Don't get me wrong. Money is not evil. It only is if it is used for selfish desires. But if your greatest desire is to help, how could that be evil?

I thank the Lord for allowing me to discover how to grow my wealth (will make a separate post). With all those books, articles, and power talks, I was able to capture what wealthy people do. They buy assets. Not liabilities. They say that if something puts additional money in your pocket, then that is an asset. But if you just take out money from your pocket, that is a liability. So rich people buy investments.

So as part of my monthly budget, I am alloting atleast 5k to fund my growing investments. Currently, I started to own shares on both First Philippine Holdings and SM Prime Holdings. And the profit is fantastic! I'm planning to buy more shares from atleast 10 (yes, ten) big companies in the coming years.

I also plan to invest in a mutual fund soon. Then let it grow for like 10, 20 or 30 years and enjoy my retirement as I share my riches to the poor, to my dear brothers and sisters in Christ.

From these assets, I could build my businesses and charity foundation. With my growing investments and with what it can do to my dreams, I am more motivated to work harder. Anytime soon, I'll be earning more than what I do today to fast track the growth of my investments.

3. COFFEE SHOP

I've been to a number of coffee shops. It's not that I'm a coffee lover. Actually, there came a time when I was prohibited to drink coffee because of my body reaction to it. I couldn't sleep (of course), palpitations became worse, and I experience difficulty in breathing. So I stopped drinking coffee. But I didn't stop going to coffee shops. I think that's what people look for, a place, not a coffee.

The coffee shop that I own (yes I imagine it happening NOW) has a very welcoming ambiance. It looks like a study place, a meeting place, hang-out place, eye-ball date place, breakup place, everything! The design is carefully done, because if the place is good, customers will keep on coming back. It is built near a university.

Oh, I'm excited! I need to find a good architect. And nice crews. But before they can get the job, they should be willing to join our bible study at least once a week. I'm gonna love my employees and treat them as my disciples. I'll be the best employer they'll ever know.

So there, The Coffee Shop - I think it's a good name, I think.

5. BE A PREACHER

Public speaking. That's what I love. I love voicing out my ideas and opinions. Back in college, I used to be the reporter in every group project. I think it's one of my strengths. So when I encountered God, I readily want to share to everyone His Love. I became a leader of 40+ youths, and I remember speaking infront of them telling them how great our God is.

Each time I listen to preachings, I imagine myself standing there... I think I'll be one of the good preachers and pretty, too. Hoho. I also want to have my own radio or/and TV program. I'll let the whole world know about my Savior.

I'm now part of the Catalyst ministry (young professionals). When I was still part of the youth ministry, I get to preach in small groups. That's what I want God to do again in my new ministry. Maybe soon. Bigger group. Hundreds. Thousands.

6. HOME FOR STREET CHILDREN

I can't remember how I developed my passion for children. Ever since, I love kids. Later as I tell you my dreams, you'd see how desperate I am to become a good mother.

A home for street children. This is what I want. To love them, to care for them, and to guide them. I need a huge lot for this foundation, with spacious building, playground, classrooms, and bed rooms. This will be their home.

Children here are happy and feel so much love. I have volunteers from church who work with me. We teach kids basic school studies, and of course, we let them know about God. They are our precious gifts from God. They give us a reason to live and wake up each day. My own kids also work for this foundation. I praise God for this.

This is what I want to happen. And I believe God is and will always be Our Great Provider. As my money grows, and so is my burden for the poor.

7. BE AN INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Etihad, Asiana or Emirates...These are my top 3 airlines of choice. Right now, I am working in a local airline in the Philippines. I love my job. But I have to get a high-paying employer/airline so I can fast track my soul dreams. I guess it's not at all wrong to always seek for a better job.

Here's the future scenario:

I am a flight attendant of a 5-star world class airline. Through the years, I got promoted as a purser, the highest in rank. My salary ranges from 120,000 to 150,000 pesos a month. My employer provides free board and lodging, and means of transportation. I only buy food so I save a lot (10% of my salary is for my tithes, 30% for my family, 15% for my expenses, 5% for emergency fund, and 40% for my retirement fund). I plan to work for 5 years only. Then settle with my family in my home country and put some business

How good does that sound? :)

8. WIN MY WHOLE FAMILY TO CHRIST

See, these dreams are in no particular order. Because I would definitely put this above all else. What a great reward this could be.

Ever since I became a Christian, I imagine my family serving in one church (His Life City Church). My mom's an usherette, dad as a gate keeper, my sister part of tne worship team, and my brother works for the creative media team.

Every Sunday, I imagine us going to church from 1st celebration up to 3rd. I enjoy watching my whole family serving God. Our cousins would join as too. Our relationship with one another became stronger. God is truly working among our lives. This has been my greatest dream. I pray that not only my immediate family members will get to have a personal relationship with Jesus, but my entire family. May Jesus Christ be the center of our family, forever and ever.

Can I hear an 'Amen' for that? Great.

9. HAVE MY OWN FAMILY: a loving husband and beautiful kids

I just turned 23. My cut-off age for getting married is 24. If I get married before December 2014, I'm still 24 on that year. So to this date, I still have 2 years to prepare. Enough time to get engaged. (And I'm gonna read this again.)

A loving and faithful husband, a hardworking man, and a very spiritual person... This is the man I'll marry. It's important to have someone who knows that Jesus is the center of our lives. We'll raise our children as servants of God.

I imagine us living a very simple life, yet living in God's abundant grace. We get to enjoy God's blessing by also being an extension of His blessing to our neighbors.

As I have said, we'll move to our dream house after 10-15 years. Our real home. Aside from the reasons stated previously, I want our children to experience a simple life. We want them to play the traditional games, to taste simple foods, wear simple clothes, be with simple playmates. This way they will be able to sympathize with other people and at the same time learn how to appreciate simple things. Our family is their most treasured thing on earth.

10. OWN A RESORT

I love parties. Actually, I love organizing a party. And I always consider a great resort as a perfect venue for special occasions. There's something about the water that brings relationships closer (in my cheesy opinion).

I dream of having a private resort in the city. Guests rent this place to hold parties, wedding, reunion, debut, etc. It's the most wanted place in the city. In here, we do not have what we call high or low season, because every month is a peak season for us. It's one of my busiest business.

Inside the paradise, there's a big hall and a villa which they can rent overnight or an a day stay. Everything is still designed outdoors except the guests bedroom. There is nothing unique about my resort, but the atmosphere is what makes it beautiful. It's not their typical resort, it's like a home.

I plan to own not just one resort. I dream to have another luxurious type where members can come and enjoy anytime they wish.

I can be an event coordinator, too! Oh! I'm excited!

11. OWN A DORMITORY

I stayed in a dormitory, too, when I was in college. It's a good business. I remember how we searched for a perfect dormitory that suits our needs and budget.

I plan to have it built along the vicinity of the university where we studied. It's a 4 storey building exclusively for female borders. It's safe, well-guarded, and with complete amenities.

The first floor is the common area where tenants can watch TV, iron their clothes, get free drinking water, eat, and study. Second floor consists of three executive rooms. Well, it's not really an executive type. But they are more spacious than the rest, and are almost fully furnished.

Second and third floors have four regular rooms per floor good for 2-3 persons. Each room also has its own bathroom.

I let my caretaker and her family stay in the first floor. They have a small room which they can use for free. Her husband serves as our security guard. Ate caretaker gets extra pay for laundry service.

I love this business. We conduct life groups here every Fridays.

Ok. Cut. My mind is somewhere in 2020s.

12. OWN A DAY CARE CENTER

I love kids so much. Sometimes, it suddenly pops up in my mind to just adopt a child. I can live without a lover, but not without a child. That's how I romanticize parenting. :)

- - -

So here are my soul dreams. The ones that keep me moving. I know, God has given me these dreams because He intends to fulfill them.

"Believe what you can write [on paper], you can write them down on reality."

Cleaning Up

Flying to Cebu on a Sunday morning is one of the most exhausting and demanding day of the week. Aside from having to check in at the front hotel and staying for barely less than three hours, struggling with drowsiness is too much to contend with. So whenever I am scheduled to take this flight, I know it would be a long day ahead.

It's always a relief to us when we finally get to touch down at our hometown. But for most of us, the day isn't over yet. We cannot not celebrate Sunday at church. Church is my refuge especially in times like this.

As soon as I reached home, I casually took whatever tank top I found thereat and changed immediately. I had no time to remove my makeup which I thought I wouldn't mind at all. But regretfully, I was half of the time discomposed by how I looked. Weird yes because I always wear full makeup everytime I report to work, but ironically, I am not comfortable wearing it in casual days like attending church. It's so not me.

So anyway, I managed to stay in church for three hours since it was already dark. People didn't really notice my smokey eyes. Well, a few did, but they really didn't bother to care. I was just too self-absorbed.

Moving on to the last few hours of the night, I spent dinner with some good friends. It was a good dinner stuffed with good conversation... Well not everything is meant to be shared. It's an intelligent girl thing :P

Sunday had passed and I am now disoriented to date. It feels like Sunday still. Didn't realize my two-day off is almost over. Meanwhile, I decided to clean my makeup brushes today to kill my boredom. Each time I do this, my makeup kit automatically gets a clean up, too. So to add another boredom killer, I thought of sharing my makeups here. They have been part of my daily routine for a year now (since I began flying).

1. FACIAL CLEANSER
An anti-acne soap and solution help me maintain a clean and pimple-free face. I have an oily-type skin, making me more prone to having pimples. So these Ederm products work best for me.

2. MOISTURIZER or FACIAL SUNBLOCK
After cleansing my face, I put on a moisturizer using Clean & Clear Essential Moisturizer. It's an oil-free so there's no greasy feeling after application. Plus it helps in nourishing my face. When I go out during sun's peak time, I opt to use Nivea Sun Whitening Facial Cream with SPF 50 to protect my face. I swear this one's effective if you don't wanna get sunburned. But it's too heavy on the face and it actually leaves greasiness making my face look more oily.

3. BB CREAM
I don't use concealer for three simple reasons: (1) I don't have one,(2) I don't feel the need to buy, and (3) I have BB cream as alternative. It's not thay I am a fan of BB cream. I was still makeup ignorant when I bought this. Dissatisified by how it works, I seldom use it. Sometimes, when a pimple just spurts or when I want to hide a leg scar, I use BB cream to conceal it. Maybe BB is not for my skin type.

4. LIQUID FOUNDATION
They say that if you have an oily-type of skin, then liquid foundation is not for you. I don't mean to contradict this expert advice, but I use one as a base foundation. I think Revlon Photoready Airbrush is made especially for me. Lol. My face loves it and it looks natural on me. Although yes, it's no help with my oily face. But blame it on my sebaceous glands! My loyalty is still in Revlon (just for this base foundation). I've been this using this bottle for 9 months now, and it's not even almost-empty yet.

5. POWDER FOUNDATION
To balance the effect of liquid foundation, I use Maybelline Shine Free Powder Foundation. It has a long lasting oil control perfect for long hours of flight.

6. BLUSH ON
I don't use just any kind of blush because of my sensitivity to pimples. It was my first time to try this Koshize product under Sophie Martin. I heard their makeups are great so I tried this one and I love it. Pink Delight looks natural on me.


When it comes to these facial products, I don't mind spending a lot with these [numbers 1-6] makeups. My face is sensitive so I don't wanna risk buying non-branded ones. They're not at all expensive, but I make sure that the brand is trustworthy and has a good feedback. On the other hand, I am not particular with eye makeups. I can buy just any brand anywhere.

7. EYE SHADOW
For light makeup, I use Koshize eyeshadow, and makeup set from SM department store for darker shades. Told you, anything.

8. EYE LINER
Pencil eyeliner from Nichido and Fashion 21 liquid eyeliner both enhance my eyes' shape.

9. MASCARA
Currently, I am still inlove with Maybelline Falsies that I don't want to use yet Nivea Volume Mascara. So I have no idea how good Nivea's mascara is.

10. LIP BALM / LIP GLOSS
I have few lipstick but they're not part of my makeup rituals. Sometimes I report to duty without lipstick on. I just balance it with dark eye shadow so I don't get reprimanded. Well occasionally, I use lipgloss by Estee Lauder. But ChapStick is always in my kit.

11. LOTION
I don't use lotion before, but when I started flying, I realized the need for it. Yes, I'm an official Nivea girl now :)

12. BRUSHES
Lovely brushes from digital traincase is yet to be purchased. Hopefully soon. But for the meantime, I am using these assorted brushes which I bought randomly from different botiques.

Extra Private

I went extra private.

I deleted my facebook account for 3 reasons. One, it's not helping me in any way. Two, what I usually see is not pleasing in my eyes and in the eyes of God. Three, competition with one another is becoming too obvious.

Maybe yes, freedom of expression is one of the best things of democracy. I too love to express myself through writing... It has been a part of me. Although I don't always write and post. Sometimes I write in tissue paper, then never get to save it. That's me... But through the years, social network has gradually become our freedom wall, that instead of just expressing ourselves, we longed for an extra attention from our reader/follower/viewer. We fish for gossips. I was too bothered that I am actually becoming that kind.

What about my good old friends? Well I never really used facebook to get in touch with friends. I use emails, skype, viber, voxer, etc. 

It's the same reason why I opt not to follow anyone in instagram. Browsing someone else's photos shouldn't be my hobby. We all have certain level of insecurities. So why would I give myself a reason to become insecure? I used it though to edit photos. Okay. This is me. :)

Home

Yes. I'm back! And I feel so home here. Sorry, I moved for a month or so because this blogger site has suddenly become user-unfriendly to me. But last night, I was able to recover this blog of mine, and I am so happy. I thought our long-term relationship had really ended just like that. Lol.

We’ve been through a lot together. And like I've said, having a diary (blog) is beneficial in many ways. Like you could always go back to what were you before and learn so much from it. Your very own experiences become your inspiration. Uhm. I’m glad I started blogging early. :) I'm with a new name now. But I'm still the same, the one who always speaks out what's on her mind.

I really hope that you would stay with me for the rest of my life’s chapters.

Nice-ophobia

Be super nice to a girl, and she’ll run away from you.

 

That’s, uhm unfortunately, most of the time, TRUE.

Personally, I don’t like it really when a guy acts as though we have a sweet and intimate connection. He must know when to ring me up or not. He must understand that with the nature of our job, we long for a normal sleeping pattern. Whether I’m interested or not, it doesn’t make any difference.

FYI, crews (not in general) hate hearing their phone rings. You’d probably wonder why. Well, when not in flight status, we’re usually sleeping at home or seizing the mall hours. We technically have at least a one day off and two days or more home reserve in between flights and off (e.g. flight - flight - reserve - flight - reserve - off - reserve - flight). But since it’s unusual to get upgraded from reserve to flight status (only in emergency cases wherein crew fails to show up on her scheduled flight), we consider reserve status as off, and we sneak out from our very own home. So when scheduler (one who works in our company’s scheduling department, do i have to say it?) rings us up while on reserve status, it means we have to get ready and transform like a superman to rescue that flight. We are expected to be at the airport the fastest way we can. And I’ve done that. I was given fifteen minutes from the time I got up from bed to boarding the arcraft. Imagine if we were somewhere else and we got that call… That spells terrible. Who loves that? Another reason, worse than the first, why we hate getting phone calls is this… We forgot to set our alarms for an early morning flight and so we’re still in deep sleep and all the crews are already about to board the aircraft without us! That means DELAYED FLIGHT, REPRIMAND, ANGRY PILOT, IRRITATED PASSENGERS, a complete MESS. Who loves that? By the way, it happened to me. I swear it’s the worst feeling.

So going back, he who cares, must know when to thumb my digits, or when to just give me a day or two to respond to his message. So instead of being super nice, just be super sensitive.

I will only allow one man to treat me as his queen. And that is my king. The rest, just respect my rest period :P

Weirdo

One word to describe me today - weird.

 

Before I even got out of the car, I was already having some strange feelings. My heart rate went up so fast, my knees were trembling, butterflies in my stomach… This never happened to me before. I mean, yah, I get the same feeling when I see my crush, or I felt this when the board exam results came out, or when I speak infront a huge crowd… But. This time, with NO particular reason, I’m having this nervous and anxious feeling. It’s so weird.

I went straight at the airport’s restroom and locked myself in the cubicle. I sat down for a minute or two and prayed. Then the rest of the day went well as I tried to supress that feeling. Just like the usual, twas busy aboard. Good for me.

Thought twas over. But when I got back home, I found myself crying. No, I wasn’t at all stressed from flight. Blame it all to this weirdo feeling. Mom started asking me strange questions. I could see how worried she is. But. Im fine. Ill be fine.

This may just be a major mood swing. Lol.

inserted:
Two days after I made this post, we brought our dog to a veterinarian because he acts like that of a rabid dog. It was found out that he got hit by the head and was poisoned. We suspect that some goons tried to rob our house. This happened to our dog the night before I got anxious and weary. So this was the reason. Praise God, those thieves’ plan was unsuccessful.

I'm smiling :)))

No. I'm not in love. I can't be in love. I forgot how.

#tralala

Hypochondriasis

Hypochondriasis, or hypochondria, is an overwhelming fear that you have a serious disease, even though health care providers can find no evidence of illness. People with hypochondriasis tend to misinterpret normal body sensations as signs of serious illness. Most people occasionally fear they have an illness, but people with hypochondriasis are preoccupied with their fear. This fear is severe and persistent and interferes with work, as well as relationships. Complaints tend to focus on the head, neck, and trunk, often in the form of pain. Hypochondriasis is somewhat similar to obsessive compulsive disorder, because of the obsession with illness and the compulsion to do something to lessen their anxiety.

Source: University of Maryland Medical Center

Case Scenario:

A 45-year-old white male engineer presents to a primary care clinic armed with multiple internet searches on the topic of cancer. He states that he “just knows” he has a GI cancer, "probably the colon or maybe the pancreas." When asked how long this concern has bothered him he says "for years I have been concerned that I have cancer." You ask about relevant symptoms and he is a bit vague, saying "I get some pain or pressure right here (he points to the left upper quadrant) but it is not there all the time." Upon asking about prior workups he says “I have had ultrasounds and colonoscopies but they could find anything. I was initially relieved but a couple of weeks later started to think that they must have just missed something.”

When you ask about the patient's goals for today’s visit he is emphatic "I think what I really need is another colonoscopy and abdominal CT scan." His examination is unrevealing. When you suggest a less invasive approach, he shows the error rates of the other evaluations and shows literature endorsing how abdominal CT is the criterion standard. He is anxious at baseline and increasingly irritable when you propose less invasive evaluation. He ends the encounter by stating that he will “find another doctor who sees my point and will get me what I need.”

Read more.

Okay. This is me typing now. You may be wondering why did I post about this. . . Well I kinda am suffering with this kind of disorder for years. Yes I do. I'm serious. Honestly, this takes a lot of courage for me to admit this one. So don't laugh your ass out there! I don't know how my mind gave birth to this weirdo stuff. But let me try to recall. . . Pardon me for some loose associated thoughts. =P

When I was in grade school, I suffered from dermatitis. Something like that. My hands and fingers became very red and itchy that I could not write in class. My doctor told me that I got that from the foods I eat. So he gave me a list of foods that I couldn't eat. Basically, he excluded my favorite dishes on my diet, such as chicken and seafood. And I hated that doctor. I even blamed my dad for that (also hereditary). At a very young age, I was deprived of the food I like. That was the selfish kind of thinking I had then. After I got healed, I became paranoid each time I notice an abnormality in my skin's appearance. Then some red spots in my hands started to appear (which I still have until now). That was way too stressful to handle for a 10 year old girl who knows nothing but to play.

Fast forward in high school. I suffered from yet another minor condition. . . Ear pain!!! I've had my ears checked for more than ten times by 3, 4, or 5 different doctors. I'm serious about this. Doctor-hopping became my bad habit. And sadly, this otometrist-hopping persisted even after college (my last checkup was May of 2011). =(

College years, and I haven't yet recovered from this hypochondriac condition. . . This time, I found my eyes as a good source of my anxiety. I've had it checked for 3x, if I'm not mistaken. Just because I felt a sac forming, "kuliti" in short. I came to a point when I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I know and I could see how hypochondriasis bothers me a lot.

There are still many other unmentioned things I've contributed with my doctors' wealth. The most recent one was this:



For a couple of months, I noticed a mass forming on my left dorsal foot. And for a hypochondriac person like me, you might guess how I overreact things such as MASS (bukol or swelling). Giving a benefit of the doubt, I waited for weeks for it to subside or at least decrease in size, but to no significant changes, I sought medical assistance after some time. I thought the doctor would laugh at me if I show him where that bukol is. But when he assessed (and touched) it, he said I need an Xray (but at the back of my mind, I need a biopsy. Lol). After two days, I got the result which says:

Yup. It read NORMAL FINDINGS. But shall I be glad about it? Uhm as a nurse by profession, I know what does this mean. No abnormalities on my bones. I was really hopeful that a fracture or some kind of malformation would be revealed. Because that would mean a very minor dislocation. But the findings revealed NORMAL. Normal on my bone. So could it be something worse than a fracture?

Then the doctor finally gave his word. It was a tumor. A fluid filled cyst. A tumor. A tumor. It kept on ringing in my ears when I heard that word. I thought about the remaining month I'd be able to live. My plans. My last will. My things. My life group. Then I realized the doctor was still talking, I shook my head to get back to my senses. "No need for an urgent surgery. It's benign." What a relief. Benign.

When the doctor said it was benign. I believed it with all my heart and soul. No doubts. Praise God for that! I guess this one freed me from my disorder. I can't imagine what other tests I'd be requesting should my somatoform disorder (hypochondriasis) not yet healed.

♥

driving has never been this fun... and stressful. lol

Day 1 (3 hour practice plus an hour of leisure activity at Nayong Pilipino, Clark)

Day 2 (plus duty free plus MCDO)

Happy new year!=) Thank you for always listening to me. You've witnessed all my ups and downs. You've seen me perfectly in love, and been there when I was totally broken. Thank you for always reminding me that I get better and better each day. HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY to my blog! 5 years and counting. Let's keep together more happy thoughts and countless blessings this 2012!

Sweet Song

Greatest Story Ever Told
By Oliver James





Tonight, I fell in love with Oliver James. What a sweet serenade ♥

Pag ba new haircut, brokenhearted agad? Di ba pwedeng nagsweldo lang muna? :D

I just kissed my long blonde hair goodbye not so long this afternoon :) I've been wanting this short haircut. As a 2p cabin crew, we are required to have our long hair in ponytail and BRAIDED. Imagine, you wake up early, dry your hair, then perfect that historical braid. And you better hurry 'cause you don't wanna end up running with your trolley through the airport. It's cute, yes. But doing it almost everyday? Nah. That hassle of fixing your hair especially during early morning flights, oh, I'm so done with that. And that gives me additional thirty minutes to polish my makeup :)

My Strength & Weakness

What's so good about having a not-so-good memory is that I easily forget painful experiences in life, and consequently forgive the offender. I remember the person but not the offense. I remember that we had a misunderstanding, but not the details. I remember that we fought over something, but not the reason. I remember that someone had hurt me before, but not as bad as it really was. I remember the name, but not the rumors about him or her. See? I live a life of no regrets, no hatred, no bitterness, no hard feelings toward another. Like when I accidentally met someone from the past, he was like shaking in fear that I may slap his face, but he was puzzled when I gave him a 'high five' instead. And he gave me a look that says, "I'm sorry". Without that expression, I wouldn't remember what he did to me or how bad he hurt me then.

Another story was when I was sitting right beside my 'ex', and people began teasing us. If they hadn't done that, I wouldn't remember that he was my 'ex'. LOL. Seriously. I know, of course, that he has been a good friend, but I almost forgot that we had a bad breakup. That was funny actually. Well, I consider this as my strength.

But that isn't always an advantage. I've had plenty of good memories in my childhood and school life, but it's awful how I can't retain those events in my mind. And I feel sorry each time an old friend would come to me and would gladly tell me funny stories we've shared when we were young, and I was just staring blankly because I couldn't remember what he's/she's saying. That's distressing. Also I easily forget names and faces of people who had been recently introduced to me. And this is my weakness.

I've been part of Wildfire, the youth ministry of His Life City Church for almost one year. And we've had like 2 concerts since then: WORSHIP BLAST last Dec 2010 and ROCK @ THE TENT held last March 2011. And I regret I failed to attend both events. It's not that I intend not to come. I was too sick during the Worship Blast concert. And I babysit my nephew who was confined in the hospital during the Rock @ The Tent. So to this date, this is the first concert in Wildfire that I am going to attend - OUR GOD IS LOVE. And I'm so uber excited! This time, the Enemy can't stop me. It's even amazing how God cleared my flights. I had my last flight for the week yesterday. Today is my rest day. Tomorrow is gonna be the big day. The day after tomorrow is also my rest day. My next flight will be on Monday =) so favored.

But apparently, I'm no longer part of this youth ministry in my first ever attendance with all the Wildfire's concerts. I now belong to the young professionals, Catalyst, ministry of the church effective last October 8. Pero young at heart naman kaya okay lang :)

Meanwhile, tomorrow's also the seminar on teachers' empowerment. It's a meeting among the teachers of kidzlife, the kids ministry of His Life, and God. And Lord knows I can't do it alone. I need His presence. His Wisdom. So goodnight worshipers! See you all tomorrow! =)

Before that, here's the glimpse of what's going to happen tomorrow. Just a glimpse, because it's going to be superb than this.

Carolina Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For (Video)

SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

Wait, I’m wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I’ll be strong
I’m finding it hard to resist
So show me what I’m looking for

Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Oh lord

Don’t let go
I’ve wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I’ve learned to love abuse
Please show me what I’m looking for

Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Oh lord
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for

Save me, I’m lost
Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you
I’ll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused

Wait, I’m wrong
I can’t do better than this
I’ll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Show me what I’m looking for
Oh lord

"Step out of your comfort zone."

How can I get rid of it when the church itself has become my comfort zone. Yes, I'm missing a lot. =(

Dream

Last Thursday night was unforgettable. I was trying to finish the whole thing about passengers' handling, but my eyes were so heavy, they're inviting me to sleep. So I did. After I prayed, I lied down and continued talking with God. I remember what I told Him before I closed my eyes, "Be with me while I sleep. Stay here beside me". I even moved an inch like I was giving Him a space to lie down as well.

The moment I closed my eyes, I felt strange. I know that though I had my eyes closed, I wasn't yet really sleeping. But it was like I felt my body was too heavy that I couldn't move. For a second or two, I was moving but I found my body still lying on my mattress. I smiled when I finally was able to move. I've been wanting that feeling. You know, not nightmare. But that feeling of detachment from earth. Why would I be scared? I just asked God to stay with me. I knew it was Him.

I closed my eyes again and asked God to take me (my soul) again. Hey! I'm not asking for a solicited death! Lol. I just wanted to experience Him. I know it sounds crazy for some. Anyway, this time I even stood and walked, with my body still flat on my mattress. I exerted an effort when I realized that my soul was walking towards the door, like I was about to go out. I went back to my body. But I couldn't explain this part. Everything happened so fast. I know well what's happening. I saw my dorm mate A sleeping on my left side and my other dorm mate B on the right, sitting and reviewing. I tried calling dorm mate B, I needed her to move me so I could get back to my senses (body). I was shouting at the top of my lungs and praying. When I felt a sound came out from my mouth, I knew she heard me. And I saw her on my soul's peripheral vision (my body's eyes are closed) as she took a look at me and said, "Uuuuy". But then she thought I was just dreaming so she refocused again on her notes. But deep inside, I was laughing, "Ay naku! Wake me up. Buset bat dinedma mo lang ako, hehe". Literally my soul was talking, but of course she didn't hear that. So I relaxed and asked God, "Okay na po. Na-experience ko na. Balik na po ako". In a split second, my soul and body became one. Smiling, I said to dorm mate B, "Hoy! Bat di mo ko ginising?!". Hahaha she thought I was having a nightmare, but it was a beautiful experience. It was a real dream =)

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05 Sept

You call this astral projection or Out of Body Experience (OBE). According to some evangelist, this is a form of witchcraft. Some cults perform this consciously. Yes, I can do it as well. Demons use this to attack a sleeping body. I don't know much about it. And I don't want a debate as to whether this is an evil thing or not. "I exerted an effort when I realized that my soul was walking towards the door, like I was about to go out." My soul's going somewhere else. Where? I leave it to your presumption.

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