MERRY MARCH / APRIL FOOLS

One word to describe my March: OVERWHELMING. It really is. It was far beyond from what I expected it to be. For almost a month, I have been looking for one great reason to stay in our company. I even cried like a baby when we got the news that we'll be relocated back in Manila. It was out of my plan to live here. But then, one day, out of the ugly plain box, there came a beautiful surprise. I was so elated I felt like I was the happiest woman alive.

I've been praying for this to happen. For two years, I got stucked with this delusion that dreams do come true. I stayed where I am because I have been waiting for this. Those were the longest days, weeks, months, and years I have ever lived.

But after exactly two years of living with impossible circumstances, I recently stopped hoping that one day, I'll be able to have it again. I stopped believing and started accepting that maybe, only in another life shall I have what I've been wanting to have. But it did happen. Not in my conscious efforts, but with persistent prayers (well, atleast that's what I thought).

It came. Unexpectedly. I sobbed into tears when I was finally seeing it for real. Not in my every daydream. It is happening, and I am wide awake. I have had it for a month. Grateful that it exceeded my desperate prayer of having it back even just for a day. Well, thankful that it happened. But later hope it didn't. Or didn't just yet. Everything happened so fast and ended prematurely. Neither time nor us were both ready. I got it back badly broken, while I was vulnerable. With no way out, I got hit as bad as it had been. And yes, I got broken, too. Now I am stucked again. With this never-ending process of letting go and moving forward... When will I ever learn?

DRAFTS FROM 2012

Yay I wanna stop reading these from my notes so I finally decided to post them here. Actually I planned to post these long ago but I don't know why they got stored in my drafts for a quite a long time...



DATE: MID 2012
TITLE: PIECES


BUS STATION

I knew before I got there that I'll be too early. So I sat down with the other people, waiting, and waiting. Twenty minutes and I still couldn't see your trace. I don't wanna give you a call thinking you're on your way. So I waited. And waited. You know, if it weren't for you, Ill be totally pissed off. I hate waiting.

I rested my head infront of the benches. And after a minute or so, I saw and heard your steps. I knew it was you. I smiled and said hi. You didn't bother to ask how long I've been sitting there. But it didn't matter anyway. You're here, that's what matters. You led me to the ticket booth, and I followed.

We got the 4th to the last row seat. This isn't the first time we took the bus together. But I guess it's the last.

As always, you plugged those earphones. I hated those. They're always in your ears. Hey. I want you and I to talk. To talk about all things. But I didn't say anything. You offered me the other plug as if you heard me saying those in my mind. And then we talked. You told me about your training orientation. You've met new friends, and I'm glad. I gave you back the earplug. I was more of a listener that night because I enjoyed watching you speak. As always.

We fought over something nonsense in the middle of our conversation. We were silent for almost quarter of our trip. I was feeling drowsy, so I took a nap while you kept your self busy with your playlist. I was just half asleep. I felt your hand on my head, tilting it so it could rest on your shoulder. I knew right then that you're not mad.

Bus slowly halted. We're home. I stood up and took my things. You helped me with it. You're always good in impressing me. But. It's time that we part ways. You tapped my shoulder, and said goodbye. Yah. A casual goodbye. I smiled.

Hour had passed and Ive missed you already. You called me. You said sorry. You never have to apologize, of course. Then you said you want to see me. Yah I know, we were just together. In as much as I wanted too, I said no. You were so tired from that orientation, and your mom won't let you drive that late.

I wish Ive said yes...if only I knew you'll walk away soon.


LRT

It's valentines day! I honestly didn't realize that it was until I noticed the hallmarks of valentines scattered all over the busy street: heart shaped decors and flowers.

I took the wrong bus so you decided to meet me few more stations beyond halfway. Boarded the LRT. My phone was beeping every after station.

BEEP
You: take this line, blah blah
BEEP
You: what station are you now? Blah blah
BEEP
You: be vigilant of snatchers, blah blah
BEEP

You're the sweetest nagger. I almost hugged you when I found you standing by the ticket booth. I wish I did...if only I knew youll walk away soon.

You said you're hungry. It seemed so. You didn't even ask which resto I like. But I didn't care anyway. You chose Italian diner. You ordered too much, I said. No, you told me to take home some. We ate so fast since mall will be closing shortly. That night ended when you walked me back at the LRT station. Said I don't wanna go home yet. You smiled. You just smiled. You walked me towards the bus station. Gave me my ticket. Then said goodbye. I didn't get the meaning of those casual goodbyes.


BEACH

No, we've never been here. But you promised me to take me to a beautiful place when everything gets okay. And beach was all I could think of. I didn't tell you what was on my mind. Deep inside, I was really excited. I imagined us at the beach. You sitting beside me while watching the sunset. Me leaning my head on your shoulder. You wrapping your arms around me. This. This never happened. I wish I nagged you about this, if only I knew youll walk away soon.


BOOKSTORE

So you woke me up early to inform me that youre coming. You'll be leaving the town the next day to work in the city. I was excited - you'll spend your last day in the province with me. That's what I thought. I didn't expect that you'll be coming in a few minutes. You were by the gate right after I finished dressing up. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a decent shirt, while you were in your shorts and the shirt you wore the other night. I didn't mind though. That's how comfortable you are to me huh.

So we went to the mall. Did I just forget that your arm was on my shoulder while we were walking? We headed right to the bookstore. We were looking for SCISSORS. Yes, a pair of scissors. I forgot if you bought it.

Anyway, after less than half an hour in the mall, you drove me home. Yes you drove me home after buying scissors! I was pissed. But that was funny. We didn't even have lunch together. You drove all the way to pick me up and buy scissors. Okay. On the brighter side, maybe you just wanted to be with me. Just maybe. Sweet.

What I wont forget was when you hugged me. I thought you were just being melodramatic because you'll be leaving the next day. Hello? I told you that we still have weekends to see each other. You just hugged me. I should've not let go of you... If only I knew you'll walk away soon...



Hey. Been wanting to tell u this. I'm letting go of these few memories that we both shared. I'm writing these things so it could completely slip off from my mind. I know... Your absence should've made me forget about you. But it worked the other way around. For 2 yrs, there had been no day that i didn't think of you. I always hoped that we'll cross paths again someday.

See? This love has consumed me too much. And you were clueless all this time. I want to go on with my life & forget you. I want to fall inlove again. I want to be happy. I want to stop hoping that one day you'll realize my worth.

Im letting go of this feeling. Because I guess this is just what I need. Closure. Although nothing has really started.

Do me a favor please? Don't read this again. I want us to forget about this. I just need to write this down so I could feel it, so I could let go of it. And after saying what I've been keeping for almost 3 yrs (since the day we've met), it's about time to finally put this to end. I should've done this long ago so I didn't have to make up stories on why I don't want any man in my life. Yes, this time, I want somebody else to share my life with... And I'm taking risks again. I'm moving on... Without you.

Loved you, goodbye.

P.S.
Know that what we had was the sweetest and most painful 'whatever'.

________________

DATE: LATE 2012
TITLE: AFTER THE HEARTBREAK



It's no secret to most of my circle that I've got my heart badly broken. While still in search for the right word, 'dumped' was the worst and demoralizing I have thought of. But I guess I found a friend in the personas of Merriam and Webster. This is how they define the word 'dumped':

to get rid of unceremoniously or irresponsibly.

How could it be so exact? Undeniably, it was the worst and most humbling thing that could ever happen to a woman. Without sounding pretemptuous, this thing never happened to me. I mean, I don't always end up with the guy I like, but atleast, I was never irresponsibly left out in the cold. As though fate has its eye on me, I happened to meet the wrongest guy. Sad.

I wont go into details about it. Thanks to Merriam-Webster for perfectly defining the situation I went through. But the aftermath of this is something I am truly proud of. I am better, stronger, and tougher.

Dear ####

Hi. It's been quite a while. And... I still don't know how to reach you. I'm not sure how we both stopped communicating, how our friendship ended just like that...

Church. Mall. Train. Bus. Van. Sidewalks. Italian resto. Burger king. I keep on overplaying these few memories we both shared.

 Anyway, I still care. I will always do. I'm still hoping to see you again soon. But if time wont permit that, then I'll always keep praying for you. Wherever you are, whatever you're up to right now, always be safe and happy :) 

God bless you!

 Always,
Sey

My Manifesto With God (Happy 2nd Anniversary!)

Yes. Today marks the second year of my single-blessedness. (Click here to read the first part.)

June 26, 2010, the day when I decided to join the #manifesto movement (founded by ptr. @rudelatorre). It’s a one-year commitment to God of no boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and that includes dating and courtship. I thought it was just as simple as placing my signature in the contract paper. But. It was far beyond what I expected it to be. Resisting temptation was not my specialty, and my decisions in life were always based to what my heart has got to say.

I remember during the first few months, I was still seeing the guy I liked. He was so handsome, like almost every girls are chasing him. He really is. So much for that, I let go of him. We stopped seeing each other. The almost-there thingy never came with a sequel. Did it hurt? Yes. But that did not stop me from loving God. From that downfall, I became more closer to God and tried hard to fulfill my broken promise. And just before my first year contract was about to end, I decided to extend it to yet another year. This time, my relationship with God grew deeper and stronger.

Indeed, committing myself to God has transformed me into a totally brand new person. Id like to believe that the old me was gone the day I met God and knew how much He loves me. He has changed me from the inside out. I couldn’t be more happier than that. God completes me :)

So to all young ladies, seek God first. And yes, all those good things will be given unto you - and that includes your lifetime partner (Matthew 6:33).

I'm smiling :)))

No. I'm not in love. I can't be in love. I forgot how.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

He's funny :)

Let me not see your pain again. Never again.
Because I won't think twice in rescuing you.
Tralalalalala

Facing Giants

Right before her eyes were them – together. It was like she was caught in a situation where escape is not an option. It was her first time to see them together and she saw how he looked at the girl intently. This was her greatest fear. She knows she couldn’t control her emotions. It happened a lot of times whenever she sees him walking passed her, making her feel a complete stranger. So of course, she didn’t want to be in yet another worse scenario where she couldn’t keep the tears from falling, where everybody sees and pities her. And so seeing them together would mean a deeper cut. But praise God He answered her plea – not to let that happen unless she is prepared. And it was far from what she imagined would be like...

As she gracefully walked passed by them, she was wearing her sweetest smile and everybody’s waving her hi and hellos. She wanted to stay at the moment and appreciate the people who were greeting her, but she didn’t want to make an awkward scene. She moved on and slowly walked while absorbing what she just saw. It was them! In a beautiful Sunday afternoon, she unexpectedly saw the guy she dearly loves, and the girl whom his heart belongs. What could be more upsetting than that? But no, she was wrong. Because she still found her self smiling after that. The pain and tears she was expecting didn't happen, and it never did since.

God allowed that to happen when He knows she can handle it. Honestly, she felt her heart beating ten times faster than normal. But nonetheless, she was able to face her giants. Well, God made her able. It was the perfect time to face her fear. She didn’t know she was prepared for that until it happened. It was easier than what she thought it was gonna be. She chose to be happy and ignore the giants. Praise God! =)

I guess trusting God will always make things easier :)

At that time your mouth will be opened; you will speak with him and will no longer be silent. So you will be a sign to them, and they will know that I am the LORD.”

Ezekiel 27:24

vanish without a trace







The other day he was here
Next day he's gone for real

reconciled

Finally. . . After eight long months, **** and I are back to being friends. Though we did not patch things up from what had happened before, we know that we don’t have to. No apology was needed, just an effortless hi-hello greeting. That would do.

We may not be as close as before, but things are better now. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I’m happy with what I have right now. And I can see that he’s doing good =)

I remember how I cried to God about this reconciliation. I can’t just throw a friendship like that (I wonder how other people deal with that). God just answered me. Hmmmmm. Isa nalang. I pray that, in no time, ****** and I can have that effortless hi-hello greeting, too. I’ll be soooooo at peace then =)

a beautiful dream

This morning, I woke up smiling. I could not remember what was my dream. All I know it was a beautiful, a very beautiful one. I tried to recall what or who was in my dream, but I just couldn't. As the day passed, I suddenly had a flashback of my dream. It was him. I saw him smiling right in front of me. I was laughing as he was doing funny faces. He was looking straight in my eyes. Or I think I was holding a camera. It was as if nothing has happened between us. It was as if he loves me. I guess the thing that made it beautiful was that he was smiling at me - the smile I've been longing for quite some time.

I felt glad and sad at the same time. It was the first time that I had him in my dreams. Yet, I felt some sort of self-pity. Was I this desperate? God knows my heart. And I don't wanna go into details about this anymore.

Nevertheless, it's still good to remember that whatever trials I am facing right now, I AM NOT ALONE. God's been my encourager.

She says 'Hi'. He'll just sigh.

She's not good at pretending.
When she says 'Hi',
he'll give her a sigh.
His silence kills her.
His look crashes her.
No matter how much she tries to hide the pain,
her eyes can't lie.
She still gets hurt.
Deeply hurt.

One thing she prays,
that he would let her love him. . .
even just for a day.
It doesn't matter if he won't feel the same way.
It doesn't really matter.
Just let her love him. . .
even just for a day.

I thought loving someone who can’t love you back is the worst thing one could ever feel. Well, nothing can get any worse than loving someone who hated you for that very reason – loving him.

How do I "unfriend" somone on facebook without him/her noticing it??? :(

Status: RESERVED.

One thing I pray:

That God would help me become a good wife to my husband (=

One of the reasons why I opt to stay single is because I'm keeping myself RESERVED for my husband. I want him to be the happiest groom when I get to walk down that aisle. Talking about fidelity? Yes. It would be unfair for him if I give away pieces of my heart to every guy who comes along while my groom still lives in the future, completely unaware. I'm sure he wouldn't like to hear me say, "Hi, glad to finally see you. Here's a piece of my heart, uhm, it's quite broken, but-uh, that still works. Sorry I thought you were one of those - uh - jerks before." Seesh. Nah!

In as much as I pray to God to keep him safe, to mold him into a better man, to make him wait for me, blah blah blah, who am I then to present myself before him as his lawful wife - broken, messed up, incomplete? That is absurdly unfair, isn't it?

So blame it on to him why I stopped going out with a guy (even if he's a close friend of mine), why I don't let any man caress me as if I am his, why I don't spend much of my quality time with any other guy. Call it OA. Pero that's how precious he is to me. And I respect his feelings. I don't want him to feel like i-am-with "everybody's girl" when the time comes that we're finally together. You get what I mean? Like when he's hugging me or holding my hands, then some jerk guy in my past gives him a look that says "done with that".

I so love my husband. Though he still lives in the future, I let him live in my heart as early as now. I know, everything would be worth the wait (=

There's a line between loving and stalking :P

"Of all goodbyes, the kind which hurts the most, was the one your ears never heard, but your heart knew it is already being said."

-THIS.

TRAINED

This gets so possible without you standing in front of me, making sure i got a good seat. Or if not, you're on the phone, checking me from time to time, station to station, making sure i board the right train line. Well I guess, you trained me well on this. I don't get scared anymore. Uh, when I get lost, it's when I miss you the most. Sometimes, I imagine you sitting/standing beside me, nagging (laughs). Or somehow expecting to see you at the end of the line, waiting for me. I just miss you.