The day I found out I have mitral valve prolapse, I felt happy. I felt relieved. Because after years of hopping to different -ologists, I finally have an official medical diagnosis. MVP is not a serious heart problem based on what I have read and yes, based on the three cardiologists I consulted. But the effects on the autonomic nervous system are quite bothersome. There are panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, to which I never had problems dealing wih. However, fatigue, shortness of breath, frequent migraine, and palpitations are my usual signs and symptoms that I live with everyday. But there's a lot more to these.
There's this online support group for MVP patients where I found myself in tears when I read their stories. Actually, I was laughing at the same time because their stories are almost exactly mine. The unfolded mystery of my personality ever since I was a child left me speechless (and almost breathless). I grew up worrying a lot about my health. Like most patients with MVP, I am a self-confessed hypochondriac. My family knows how I overreact to simple illness. One time, feeling feverish and nauseous, I told my dad to take me to the hospital because I knew something's wrong with my system. He refused to listen and said it was all in my head. Hours later, I almost passed out. Next thing I knew, mom was packing my things. We went to the hospital and I was admitted. Diagnosis? Dengue fever. You could imagine me staring at my dad with an "I-told-you-so" look. I could go on for hours and tell you all my journey in the hospital, but to sum it up, I've been to more than 30 physicians for the past 5 years with different complaints. More than half of the tests were negative. But instead of feeling relieved, I'd go home feeling disappointed and tell myself that those doctors are either incompetent or were lucky to have me check by the time I got well already. Although I am aware of my being hypochondriac, I still refuse to believe that I'm perfectly healthy.
Prior to the diagnosis of my MVP, I sought a neurologist regarding my frequent memory loss. MRI was done and it was normal. He said I should undergo therapy with a nueropsychiatrist to prevent the development of dementia. But my therapy was interrupted by yet another test. An ECG was performed as part of my medical exam and it revealed some abnormalities so another test, 2D echocardiogram, was done which confirmed the presence of a mitral valve prolapse. A condition wherein one of the two mitral valve does not close properly as my heart pumps out blood to my body causing a backflow and/or inadequate blood circulation to other parts of my body.
Aside from the signs and symptoms mentioned above, it affects the function of autonomic nervous system. Reason why I'm a chocoholic and sweet addict. Reason why I'm perfectionist / O.C person. Reason why I have a lot of phobia. Reason why I only play mind game. Reason why I have a bit of trouble expressing negative emotions. Reason why I think I have an asthma or something because of my shortness of breath. Reason why I have a very bad memory. Reason why I always feel like I'm having a heart attack. Reason why I easily get tired, even by just merely lying down. Reason why I always feel like fainting. Reason why I always have a feeling of apprehension as if something strange might just happen. Reason why I think of death too much. Reason why I'm hypochondriac. Reason of all my unanswerable why's! Yes, these are all part of MVP syndrome based on my overly extensive and obsessive research. And I wish I knew all these long time ago. I felt vindicated knowing that there's a reason behind my seemingly-pointless-and-it's-all-in-the-mind illnesses and personality.
So to all with MVPS, cheers to a one-of -a kind and exciting fluttery life!
The Princess And Her Short Stories
Monday, January 13, 2014
Friday, July 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Little Things
In life, we all search for extremes. The extra-ordinaries always get our full attention. Like in choosing cupcakes, we want it to be over-topped with sweets and mallows, or creams and chocolates. Because plain and simple is just too boring. A little flavor (or danger) seems more fun and exciting. But sometimes, the little things are just what matter at the moment...
Maybe your day is just all about meeting a new friend. Maybe it's the thought of waking up in the morning completely fine with all your system. Maybe it's the smile that you give and get to people who passed you by. Maybe it's all about sitting there watching disney movies with your little cousins. Maybe it's about how hard you laughed and shared a good conversation with your friend. Maybe your day was destined to just get through with these little things.
Sometimes, we don't need to dig deep. Maybe we should stop looking for extra-ordinaries and start making these little things count. It's always a big day for a one fully-lived day. Maybe it's just about fixing yourself and making it better each day. No expectations. No disappointments. Just live in the now. :)
Maybe your day is just all about meeting a new friend. Maybe it's the thought of waking up in the morning completely fine with all your system. Maybe it's the smile that you give and get to people who passed you by. Maybe it's all about sitting there watching disney movies with your little cousins. Maybe it's about how hard you laughed and shared a good conversation with your friend. Maybe your day was destined to just get through with these little things.
Sometimes, we don't need to dig deep. Maybe we should stop looking for extra-ordinaries and start making these little things count. It's always a big day for a one fully-lived day. Maybe it's just about fixing yourself and making it better each day. No expectations. No disappointments. Just live in the now. :)
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
MERRY MARCH / APRIL FOOLS
One word to describe my March: OVERWHELMING. It really is. It was far beyond from what I expected it to be. For almost a month, I have been looking for one great reason to stay in our company. I even cried like a baby when we got the news that we'll be relocated back in Manila. It was out of my plan to live here. But then, one day, out of the ugly plain box, there came a beautiful surprise. I was so elated I felt like I was the happiest woman alive.
I've been praying for this to happen. For two years, I got stucked with this delusion that dreams do come true. I stayed where I am because I have been waiting for this. Those were the longest days, weeks, months, and years I have ever lived.
But after exactly two years of living with impossible circumstances, I recently stopped hoping that one day, I'll be able to have it again. I stopped believing and started accepting that maybe, only in another life shall I have what I've been wanting to have. But it did happen. Not in my conscious efforts, but with persistent prayers (well, atleast that's what I thought).
It came. Unexpectedly. I sobbed into tears when I was finally seeing it for real. Not in my every daydream. It is happening, and I am wide awake. I have had it for a month. Grateful that it exceeded my desperate prayer of having it back even just for a day. Well, thankful that it happened. But later hope it didn't. Or didn't just yet. Everything happened so fast and ended prematurely. Neither time nor us were both ready. I got it back badly broken, while I was vulnerable. With no way out, I got hit as bad as it had been. And yes, I got broken, too. Now I am stucked again. With this never-ending process of letting go and moving forward... When will I ever learn?
I've been praying for this to happen. For two years, I got stucked with this delusion that dreams do come true. I stayed where I am because I have been waiting for this. Those were the longest days, weeks, months, and years I have ever lived.
But after exactly two years of living with impossible circumstances, I recently stopped hoping that one day, I'll be able to have it again. I stopped believing and started accepting that maybe, only in another life shall I have what I've been wanting to have. But it did happen. Not in my conscious efforts, but with persistent prayers (well, atleast that's what I thought).
It came. Unexpectedly. I sobbed into tears when I was finally seeing it for real. Not in my every daydream. It is happening, and I am wide awake. I have had it for a month. Grateful that it exceeded my desperate prayer of having it back even just for a day. Well, thankful that it happened. But later hope it didn't. Or didn't just yet. Everything happened so fast and ended prematurely. Neither time nor us were both ready. I got it back badly broken, while I was vulnerable. With no way out, I got hit as bad as it had been. And yes, I got broken, too. Now I am stucked again. With this never-ending process of letting go and moving forward... When will I ever learn?
Friday, March 22, 2013
Extra R in February
And I don't mean FEBURARY as some mispronounce it by misplacing that extra R. My own extra R for this month stands for ROUGH. Yep. It's past mid March already and I haven't yet updated this blog since. Neither a single entry from last month was posted. That's how rough and tough my 2nd month had been.
Not quite convincing? Lemme tell why:
#1 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
#2 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
#3 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
Being a simple promdi girl, I never got used to Manila.
Please note that I don't want to sound pessimistic here. Because during those rough days, I stood firmly and believed that all those things work together for good. I was absolutely right... Will prove it on my next post :)
Not quite convincing? Lemme tell why:
#1 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
#2 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
#3 I WAS RELOCATED BACK IN MANILA
Being a simple promdi girl, I never got used to Manila.
Please note that I don't want to sound pessimistic here. Because during those rough days, I stood firmly and believed that all those things work together for good. I was absolutely right... Will prove it on my next post :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
January Jumpstart
I have always been declaring that I'm gonna own this year of remarkable and exceptional harvest, and true enough, I had (so far) a very smooth jump start! Considering my busy schedule, I was able to color my first month a very bright one. Albeit nothing is extremely peculiar, everything started just right!
One of the higlights this first month was when we were able to visit the Queen of South. Though always physically here when rostered to Sunday flights (with 3 hour wash up stay at Cebu Waterfront Hotel), staying in the island overnight with the best co-crew and friends is totally different. All the mind boggling itinerary and endless searching felt exceptional. And it's amazing how we were able to explore almost everything in 24 hours, considering it was all our first city tour: Mactan Shrine -> Sinulog parade -> shopping at Ayala mall -> beach -> Seafood dinner -> 7D mangoes factory -> wet market. Aren't we the best backpackers? Lol. Anyhow, this is what we needed.
I feel euphoric now, because when I wrote down my 2013 prayers, I noted that I only want to visit atleast three (3) philippine tourist spots this 2013... Got one check this soon, so I guess this prayer request is going to exceed! Yuhoo!
Another hap was when my schedule allowed me to attend two consecutive youth gigs and lifegroup. I remember how consistent I was while still unemployed, when all I did was to seek God's face. It was nice to be back where I started. Kung meron man akong gustong balikan, gusto kong ulit-ulitin yung araw na nakilala ko si Lord. With my very short-term memory, this is the last thing that I want my mind to forget.
Speaking of, with this infantile and selective amnesia I have, I realized that it's never too late to make good memories. I still feel blessed because this is a great eye-opener to make every day worth remembering! Live. Love. Pray.
So there, my colorful first month! Note that I mentioned a 'smooth' jump start, and not using the word 'good'. Sure, everything looks perfect, but amid those happy thoughts are changes not everyone would be glad to take. There are glitches unseen, but my hope is in the Lord. And I won't make those not-so-good things count. I will trust in the Lord no matter what. :)
With that, I am expecting another colorful month, a blissful February! I'm excited! Feb is mine :)
Meanwhile, here's an impromptu photoshoot we did yesterday. I was surprised when my sister and her classmate asked me to do the shots, gladly took the offer though. Well the first ten shots were drafts prolly because transition phase between the subject and the photographer took place during those. I noticed that even with my sister as I did her shots. Then gradually, my subjects became comfortable and we were happy with the results.
Oh well. Feeling like a pro with the camera pixels of my samsung gt. I guess the sun's cooperation made it perfect. Timing is everything when it comes to photography, just my two cents, I'm no expert. Anyway, no plans of getting into the real deal. Just a trial :)
Happy new month, everyone!
One of the higlights this first month was when we were able to visit the Queen of South. Though always physically here when rostered to Sunday flights (with 3 hour wash up stay at Cebu Waterfront Hotel), staying in the island overnight with the best co-crew and friends is totally different. All the mind boggling itinerary and endless searching felt exceptional. And it's amazing how we were able to explore almost everything in 24 hours, considering it was all our first city tour: Mactan Shrine -> Sinulog parade -> shopping at Ayala mall -> beach -> Seafood dinner -> 7D mangoes factory -> wet market. Aren't we the best backpackers? Lol. Anyhow, this is what we needed.
I feel euphoric now, because when I wrote down my 2013 prayers, I noted that I only want to visit atleast three (3) philippine tourist spots this 2013... Got one check this soon, so I guess this prayer request is going to exceed! Yuhoo!
Another hap was when my schedule allowed me to attend two consecutive youth gigs and lifegroup. I remember how consistent I was while still unemployed, when all I did was to seek God's face. It was nice to be back where I started. Kung meron man akong gustong balikan, gusto kong ulit-ulitin yung araw na nakilala ko si Lord. With my very short-term memory, this is the last thing that I want my mind to forget.
Speaking of, with this infantile and selective amnesia I have, I realized that it's never too late to make good memories. I still feel blessed because this is a great eye-opener to make every day worth remembering! Live. Love. Pray.
So there, my colorful first month! Note that I mentioned a 'smooth' jump start, and not using the word 'good'. Sure, everything looks perfect, but amid those happy thoughts are changes not everyone would be glad to take. There are glitches unseen, but my hope is in the Lord. And I won't make those not-so-good things count. I will trust in the Lord no matter what. :)
With that, I am expecting another colorful month, a blissful February! I'm excited! Feb is mine :)
Meanwhile, here's an impromptu photoshoot we did yesterday. I was surprised when my sister and her classmate asked me to do the shots, gladly took the offer though. Well the first ten shots were drafts prolly because transition phase between the subject and the photographer took place during those. I noticed that even with my sister as I did her shots. Then gradually, my subjects became comfortable and we were happy with the results.
Oh well. Feeling like a pro with the camera pixels of my samsung gt. I guess the sun's cooperation made it perfect. Timing is everything when it comes to photography, just my two cents, I'm no expert. Anyway, no plans of getting into the real deal. Just a trial :)
Happy new month, everyone!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Amnesia Girl
Okay. I'm so frustrated now because I feel like I'm suffering from amnesia. I happened to see a very good friend last Sunday. She's so dear to me because we've been friends for more than a year and we always hang out together almost every month then. We recently stopped hanging out only because I've been busy with my job. But we often see each other almost every week at church. And then, there came my frustration... I saw her and wanted to call her, but... I DON'T REMEMBER HER NAME!!! *facepalm*
It felt as though my access to my long-term memory is seriously impaired! Why can't I remember names? Faces? Events? (see my previous post)
The thing is, I only have very few childhood memories. Really few and mostly were from a second-hand information. Meaning, either my family had told me those stories before, or I've seen old photos of my childhood life and formulated my own stories. That's awful. I like to believe that I had a playful and wonderful childhood life. I want to keep and treasure every single relationships. I want to remember every bits that happened in my life. But my memory is no help in convincing me. Ugghhh.
Seriously, I want to consult a psychiatrist. Help?
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Difficult People
People are different. Sometimes, you don't agree with one another. Maybe most of the time. They will all come up with their brightest idea no one would agree with. You either say nothing or oppose them.
People kick you off. They have just mastered the art of discouraging. They talk a lot - senseless talks. They even curse, and your innocent mind would never know about it.
That's the way cookie crumbles.
One of my favorite college subjects, psychology, has taught me an important lesson. I learned that this group of people probably all came from some sort of poor childhood experience. It is then expected that everyone should understand this, or at least be reminded of. But sometimes, at one point, even the kindest and most gracious person alive could get pissed.
No one gets exempted in facing a difficult person. It could be your boss, your subordinate, a stranger, or the person sitting next to you. And sometimes it could be yourself (the hardest person to contend with)! But through the years, as someone who has always been exposed to dramas (in flight and on ground), I kinda learned a secret in dealing with difficult people:
DON'T EVER LISTEN TO THEM... Whether they badmouth you or throw insults, don't give in to their words. Their opinion shouldn't matter to you, anyway. You don't live to impress people. There would always be one out of 6.5 billion people in the world who will be happy to see you falling apart. And they'll walk barefooted in broken glasses just to pull you down. Accept that.
But still, never forget to always dispense grace even if you don't feel like giving it. Just think of this, Jesus hasn't been gracious and loving to us just because He feels like doing it... You're not a member of the Difficult People Club, are you? Repay it with kindness. Always choose love. :)
People kick you off. They have just mastered the art of discouraging. They talk a lot - senseless talks. They even curse, and your innocent mind would never know about it.
That's the way cookie crumbles.
One of my favorite college subjects, psychology, has taught me an important lesson. I learned that this group of people probably all came from some sort of poor childhood experience. It is then expected that everyone should understand this, or at least be reminded of. But sometimes, at one point, even the kindest and most gracious person alive could get pissed.
No one gets exempted in facing a difficult person. It could be your boss, your subordinate, a stranger, or the person sitting next to you. And sometimes it could be yourself (the hardest person to contend with)! But through the years, as someone who has always been exposed to dramas (in flight and on ground), I kinda learned a secret in dealing with difficult people:
DON'T EVER LISTEN TO THEM... Whether they badmouth you or throw insults, don't give in to their words. Their opinion shouldn't matter to you, anyway. You don't live to impress people. There would always be one out of 6.5 billion people in the world who will be happy to see you falling apart. And they'll walk barefooted in broken glasses just to pull you down. Accept that.
But still, never forget to always dispense grace even if you don't feel like giving it. Just think of this, Jesus hasn't been gracious and loving to us just because He feels like doing it... You're not a member of the Difficult People Club, are you? Repay it with kindness. Always choose love. :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Maayong Adlaw, Cebu!
And when flying gets a little tiring, we will still fly... But, as passengers :)
Went to witness bits of the 'most talked about' Sinulog's Grand Parade highlights under the heat of the sun. It was extremely hot, so we left early. But the fun didn't end here (of course!).
Hitting Ayala Mall to breathe, eat lunch, and shop at Island Souvenirs.
We could have painted the night red...
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
DRAFTS FROM 2012
Yay I wanna stop reading these from my notes so I finally decided to post them here. Actually I planned to post these long ago but I don't know why they got stored in my drafts for a quite a long time...
DATE: MID 2012
TITLE: PIECES
BUS STATION
I knew before I got there that I'll be too early. So I sat down with the other people, waiting, and waiting. Twenty minutes and I still couldn't see your trace. I don't wanna give you a call thinking you're on your way. So I waited. And waited. You know, if it weren't for you, Ill be totally pissed off. I hate waiting.
I rested my head infront of the benches. And after a minute or so, I saw and heard your steps. I knew it was you. I smiled and said hi. You didn't bother to ask how long I've been sitting there. But it didn't matter anyway. You're here, that's what matters. You led me to the ticket booth, and I followed.
We got the 4th to the last row seat. This isn't the first time we took the bus together. But I guess it's the last.
As always, you plugged those earphones. I hated those. They're always in your ears. Hey. I want you and I to talk. To talk about all things. But I didn't say anything. You offered me the other plug as if you heard me saying those in my mind. And then we talked. You told me about your training orientation. You've met new friends, and I'm glad. I gave you back the earplug. I was more of a listener that night because I enjoyed watching you speak. As always.
We fought over something nonsense in the middle of our conversation. We were silent for almost quarter of our trip. I was feeling drowsy, so I took a nap while you kept your self busy with your playlist. I was just half asleep. I felt your hand on my head, tilting it so it could rest on your shoulder. I knew right then that you're not mad.
Bus slowly halted. We're home. I stood up and took my things. You helped me with it. You're always good in impressing me. But. It's time that we part ways. You tapped my shoulder, and said goodbye. Yah. A casual goodbye. I smiled.
Hour had passed and Ive missed you already. You called me. You said sorry. You never have to apologize, of course. Then you said you want to see me. Yah I know, we were just together. In as much as I wanted too, I said no. You were so tired from that orientation, and your mom won't let you drive that late.
I wish Ive said yes...if only I knew you'll walk away soon.
LRT
It's valentines day! I honestly didn't realize that it was until I noticed the hallmarks of valentines scattered all over the busy street: heart shaped decors and flowers.
I took the wrong bus so you decided to meet me few more stations beyond halfway. Boarded the LRT. My phone was beeping every after station.
BEEP
You: take this line, blah blah
BEEP
You: what station are you now? Blah blah
BEEP
You: be vigilant of snatchers, blah blah
BEEP
You're the sweetest nagger. I almost hugged you when I found you standing by the ticket booth. I wish I did...if only I knew youll walk away soon.
You said you're hungry. It seemed so. You didn't even ask which resto I like. But I didn't care anyway. You chose Italian diner. You ordered too much, I said. No, you told me to take home some. We ate so fast since mall will be closing shortly. That night ended when you walked me back at the LRT station. Said I don't wanna go home yet. You smiled. You just smiled. You walked me towards the bus station. Gave me my ticket. Then said goodbye. I didn't get the meaning of those casual goodbyes.
BEACH
No, we've never been here. But you promised me to take me to a beautiful place when everything gets okay. And beach was all I could think of. I didn't tell you what was on my mind. Deep inside, I was really excited. I imagined us at the beach. You sitting beside me while watching the sunset. Me leaning my head on your shoulder. You wrapping your arms around me. This. This never happened. I wish I nagged you about this, if only I knew youll walk away soon.
BOOKSTORE
So you woke me up early to inform me that youre coming. You'll be leaving the town the next day to work in the city. I was excited - you'll spend your last day in the province with me. That's what I thought. I didn't expect that you'll be coming in a few minutes. You were by the gate right after I finished dressing up. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a decent shirt, while you were in your shorts and the shirt you wore the other night. I didn't mind though. That's how comfortable you are to me huh.
So we went to the mall. Did I just forget that your arm was on my shoulder while we were walking? We headed right to the bookstore. We were looking for SCISSORS. Yes, a pair of scissors. I forgot if you bought it.
Anyway, after less than half an hour in the mall, you drove me home. Yes you drove me home after buying scissors! I was pissed. But that was funny. We didn't even have lunch together. You drove all the way to pick me up and buy scissors. Okay. On the brighter side, maybe you just wanted to be with me. Just maybe. Sweet.
What I wont forget was when you hugged me. I thought you were just being melodramatic because you'll be leaving the next day. Hello? I told you that we still have weekends to see each other. You just hugged me. I should've not let go of you... If only I knew you'll walk away soon...
Hey. Been wanting to tell u this. I'm letting go of these few memories that we both shared. I'm writing these things so it could completely slip off from my mind. I know... Your absence should've made me forget about you. But it worked the other way around. For 2 yrs, there had been no day that i didn't think of you. I always hoped that we'll cross paths again someday.
See? This love has consumed me too much. And you were clueless all this time. I want to go on with my life & forget you. I want to fall inlove again. I want to be happy. I want to stop hoping that one day you'll realize my worth.
Im letting go of this feeling. Because I guess this is just what I need. Closure. Although nothing has really started.
Do me a favor please? Don't read this again. I want us to forget about this. I just need to write this down so I could feel it, so I could let go of it. And after saying what I've been keeping for almost 3 yrs (since the day we've met), it's about time to finally put this to end. I should've done this long ago so I didn't have to make up stories on why I don't want any man in my life. Yes, this time, I want somebody else to share my life with... And I'm taking risks again. I'm moving on... Without you.
Loved you, goodbye.
P.S.
Know that what we had was the sweetest and most painful 'whatever'.
DATE: LATE 2012
TITLE: AFTER THE HEARTBREAK
It's no secret to most of my circle that I've got my heart badly broken. While still in search for the right word, 'dumped' was the worst and demoralizing I have thought of. But I guess I found a friend in the personas of Merriam and Webster. This is how they define the word 'dumped':
to get rid of unceremoniously or irresponsibly.
How could it be so exact? Undeniably, it was the worst and most humbling thing that could ever happen to a woman. Without sounding pretemptuous, this thing never happened to me. I mean, I don't always end up with the guy I like, but atleast, I was never irresponsibly left out in the cold. As though fate has its eye on me, I happened to meet the wrongest guy. Sad.
I wont go into details about it. Thanks to Merriam-Webster for perfectly defining the situation I went through. But the aftermath of this is something I am truly proud of. I am better, stronger, and tougher.
DATE: MID 2012
TITLE: PIECES
BUS STATION
I knew before I got there that I'll be too early. So I sat down with the other people, waiting, and waiting. Twenty minutes and I still couldn't see your trace. I don't wanna give you a call thinking you're on your way. So I waited. And waited. You know, if it weren't for you, Ill be totally pissed off. I hate waiting.
I rested my head infront of the benches. And after a minute or so, I saw and heard your steps. I knew it was you. I smiled and said hi. You didn't bother to ask how long I've been sitting there. But it didn't matter anyway. You're here, that's what matters. You led me to the ticket booth, and I followed.
We got the 4th to the last row seat. This isn't the first time we took the bus together. But I guess it's the last.
As always, you plugged those earphones. I hated those. They're always in your ears. Hey. I want you and I to talk. To talk about all things. But I didn't say anything. You offered me the other plug as if you heard me saying those in my mind. And then we talked. You told me about your training orientation. You've met new friends, and I'm glad. I gave you back the earplug. I was more of a listener that night because I enjoyed watching you speak. As always.
We fought over something nonsense in the middle of our conversation. We were silent for almost quarter of our trip. I was feeling drowsy, so I took a nap while you kept your self busy with your playlist. I was just half asleep. I felt your hand on my head, tilting it so it could rest on your shoulder. I knew right then that you're not mad.
Bus slowly halted. We're home. I stood up and took my things. You helped me with it. You're always good in impressing me. But. It's time that we part ways. You tapped my shoulder, and said goodbye. Yah. A casual goodbye. I smiled.
Hour had passed and Ive missed you already. You called me. You said sorry. You never have to apologize, of course. Then you said you want to see me. Yah I know, we were just together. In as much as I wanted too, I said no. You were so tired from that orientation, and your mom won't let you drive that late.
I wish Ive said yes...if only I knew you'll walk away soon.
LRT
It's valentines day! I honestly didn't realize that it was until I noticed the hallmarks of valentines scattered all over the busy street: heart shaped decors and flowers.
I took the wrong bus so you decided to meet me few more stations beyond halfway. Boarded the LRT. My phone was beeping every after station.
BEEP
You: take this line, blah blah
BEEP
You: what station are you now? Blah blah
BEEP
You: be vigilant of snatchers, blah blah
BEEP
You're the sweetest nagger. I almost hugged you when I found you standing by the ticket booth. I wish I did...if only I knew youll walk away soon.
You said you're hungry. It seemed so. You didn't even ask which resto I like. But I didn't care anyway. You chose Italian diner. You ordered too much, I said. No, you told me to take home some. We ate so fast since mall will be closing shortly. That night ended when you walked me back at the LRT station. Said I don't wanna go home yet. You smiled. You just smiled. You walked me towards the bus station. Gave me my ticket. Then said goodbye. I didn't get the meaning of those casual goodbyes.
BEACH
No, we've never been here. But you promised me to take me to a beautiful place when everything gets okay. And beach was all I could think of. I didn't tell you what was on my mind. Deep inside, I was really excited. I imagined us at the beach. You sitting beside me while watching the sunset. Me leaning my head on your shoulder. You wrapping your arms around me. This. This never happened. I wish I nagged you about this, if only I knew youll walk away soon.
BOOKSTORE
So you woke me up early to inform me that youre coming. You'll be leaving the town the next day to work in the city. I was excited - you'll spend your last day in the province with me. That's what I thought. I didn't expect that you'll be coming in a few minutes. You were by the gate right after I finished dressing up. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a decent shirt, while you were in your shorts and the shirt you wore the other night. I didn't mind though. That's how comfortable you are to me huh.
So we went to the mall. Did I just forget that your arm was on my shoulder while we were walking? We headed right to the bookstore. We were looking for SCISSORS. Yes, a pair of scissors. I forgot if you bought it.
Anyway, after less than half an hour in the mall, you drove me home. Yes you drove me home after buying scissors! I was pissed. But that was funny. We didn't even have lunch together. You drove all the way to pick me up and buy scissors. Okay. On the brighter side, maybe you just wanted to be with me. Just maybe. Sweet.
What I wont forget was when you hugged me. I thought you were just being melodramatic because you'll be leaving the next day. Hello? I told you that we still have weekends to see each other. You just hugged me. I should've not let go of you... If only I knew you'll walk away soon...
Hey. Been wanting to tell u this. I'm letting go of these few memories that we both shared. I'm writing these things so it could completely slip off from my mind. I know... Your absence should've made me forget about you. But it worked the other way around. For 2 yrs, there had been no day that i didn't think of you. I always hoped that we'll cross paths again someday.
See? This love has consumed me too much. And you were clueless all this time. I want to go on with my life & forget you. I want to fall inlove again. I want to be happy. I want to stop hoping that one day you'll realize my worth.
Im letting go of this feeling. Because I guess this is just what I need. Closure. Although nothing has really started.
Do me a favor please? Don't read this again. I want us to forget about this. I just need to write this down so I could feel it, so I could let go of it. And after saying what I've been keeping for almost 3 yrs (since the day we've met), it's about time to finally put this to end. I should've done this long ago so I didn't have to make up stories on why I don't want any man in my life. Yes, this time, I want somebody else to share my life with... And I'm taking risks again. I'm moving on... Without you.
Loved you, goodbye.
P.S.
Know that what we had was the sweetest and most painful 'whatever'.
________________
DATE: LATE 2012
TITLE: AFTER THE HEARTBREAK
It's no secret to most of my circle that I've got my heart badly broken. While still in search for the right word, 'dumped' was the worst and demoralizing I have thought of. But I guess I found a friend in the personas of Merriam and Webster. This is how they define the word 'dumped':
to get rid of unceremoniously or irresponsibly.
How could it be so exact? Undeniably, it was the worst and most humbling thing that could ever happen to a woman. Without sounding pretemptuous, this thing never happened to me. I mean, I don't always end up with the guy I like, but atleast, I was never irresponsibly left out in the cold. As though fate has its eye on me, I happened to meet the wrongest guy. Sad.
I wont go into details about it. Thanks to Merriam-Webster for perfectly defining the situation I went through. But the aftermath of this is something I am truly proud of. I am better, stronger, and tougher.
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